To degauss: to remove unwanted magnetism in order to correct some sort of disturbance.
Twenty-something. Graduate student. Musician. Martial Artist. 90s Kid. ENTP. My life is not my own.
Tonight, I am wided-eyed headphones and a thousand of your other metaphors on a ship that set to sea years ago.
I know it isn’t the memory of you that lingers, but rather youth, innocence, magic and believing that the world was just outside our grasp.
Still, when he is gone and all is quiet, these memories fill my mind like helium set free in a room. It makes me wonder why my neurons don’t dance back to our evening chats or words he has said.
Maybe you are all of my energy and boundless adventure, maps enticing me with their rivers, valleys and mountains, spiritual and supernatural worlds beyond my eyes yet to be revealed, limitless trust while standing in awe of this thing that I did not quite understand. You were magic and fairy tale, a story that was left open ended so I could reshape it however I wished.
And he, he is the real world. He is two jobs and grad school. He is the plummeting job market and distance from friends. He is realizing that I don’t get vacations and that my parents are growing older. He is the repeating decimal of sunrise and sunset and “what do you want for dinner?” every day. He is knowing something so well that you can name the number of freckles on its neck and the same 6 tee-shirts it always wears.
Maybe I’m just scared of growing up.
But it makes you wonder.
I can’t tell you what I don’t know.
It’s the simple things that make my heart go.
But I can’t tell you what I don’t know.
You’ll have to wait.
Stay strong and let me know that you’ll be here
while I am gone.